“fully erasing a future for which we no longer needed to plan”

With my D&C behind me (after a night of unmedicated miscarriage before it) I’m ready to move on. I was almost ready to call up the IVF doc we’ve selected, but wasn’t sure I could handle if they asked me for my last menstrual and I had to say, um, I had a D&C this morning, does that count?

It wasn’t ideal, but now it’s over. I didn’t feel a thing and I got to keep my neat plastic socks (my request to my husband while still clearly a little loopy from anesthesia).

I texted with a friend, a kindred spirit in this shithole they call infertility, letting her know it was finally over.

Her: I’m so sorry you had to go through this again. Can’t even imagine.

Me: Yeah, it’s… the worst and then each moment just passes and it’s done. It all seems insurmountable in the thick of it. Ready for the next seemingly insurmountable thing.

Her: You are a much stronger woman than I

Me: Ha. No. I asked S to smother me the other day. Half joking. There were people getting chemo and cancer treatment where I was today. Puts things in perspective. It all sucks and then it’s over and hopefully you can make it through…

giphy (1)

Getting a little introspective but it’s really how I feel. Every time I look at someone else’s situation and say I *literally* don’t know how they manage, I think it’s good to remember that we all have the capacity to manage but just getting through it.

I’d also like to share this story from Refinery 29. It’s good to see more stories about miscarriage out in the news. There’s never a comment that’s some dumbo saying, “Gee, I have never known anyone who miscarried. I thought it was only for unhealthy, criminal, sinners, or ‘career women'” or some nonsense. Somehow even the internet trolls have been quieted by this (though there’s plenty of *other* crazy in the comments so be warned).

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