wtf

Well, this cycle was a heaping dumpster fire. I’m so mad I already used the gif!

19 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 5 fertilized, all of those made it to day 3… but we only have ONE frozen (untested) day 5 embryo. Yup folks, that’s right, after all of this, we don’t even have a second fucking embryo. I do better on my own, frankly. At least then I get pregnant! And I don’t have to listen to the shots song as often.

We planned to take a break for a few months and that’s doctor’s orders anyway. He basically said next time I would stim longer and more to get even more eggs, and we’ll order a sperm DNA test to see if there’s something going on besides the BT. The low fertilization (even while using ICSI) and drop off between 3 and 5 days leads him to think it’s mostly male factor. But of course he reminded me several times that of course it could be egg quality and apparently I have borderline FSH so, tick tock, I guess? Fuck.

I feel like there’s no reason to be hopeful anymore. What reason do we have to expect different results next time? What if I o get pregnant again and it’s just another loss? I can’t lose my mind, it’s already gone. I’m just feeling so hopeless.

nineteen

HOLY SHIT.

Nineteen eggs were retrieved today.

eating 30 rock yay cheering liz lemon

I mean, from 12 follicles? I think my doctor was trying to set my expectations low (I had a feeling but wasn’t trying to get my hopes up).

I’ll get a fertilization report tomorrow, and then every other day. They’ll freeze on days 5 and 6 — was very happy to hear the embryologist is a patient guy who let’s blasts go to day 6 if they need the extra time. I’m hoping that from this 19, that we get at least 6 to blast — then the odds are in our favor for PGS.

Other than that, I feel like rotten garbage after the retrieval.

fire garbage dumpster dumpster fire garbage fire

I had hoped things would get better! My stomach looks like I’m four months pregnant, so that’s fun, and I can barely get off the couch. Maybe I’m taking another day after work after all. I’ll have to find something else to watch on Netflix.

I hope the embryologist picked all the good sperm. We told the BT sperm to play dead, so hopefully it worked.

dead play winner award

Go eggs go!

finish-ish line

Retrieval is tomorrow! HOORAY! I’m feeling super sore where I injected my HCG shot and very, very crowded in the old abdomen. I was texting a friend that I was buying special ER day socks and she mentioned that my”taco was stuffed” so now I have taco socks (in addition to seahorse socks — if we were seahorses, S would be the one with the crowded belly, not me!)

Shaking Food GIFs food & drink taco tacos taco bell

The clinic also finally let me know (after much pestering) that we probably can’t do a transfer in June. Well, I’d be looking for a few months off and it looks like I’ll get it. Hopefully we can get things moving when we get back from vacation. Knowing us, I’ll get pregnant again and it will actually be normal, and I’ll be one of those annoying anecdotes of “my sister’s friend’s yoga friend did IVF and then got pregnant while waiting for her transfer! So just RELAX. I KNOW it will happen!” Blergh. I would never do that to you guys. I’ll tell everyone it’s an IVF baby no matter what. Wink.

The Huffington Post wink rashida jones

Here’s hoping for lots of eggs tomorrow. It certainly feels like Easter up in my ya.

cartoon chicken egg eggs chicks

crowded

Egg retrieval is all scheduled for Wednesday. I’ve got 12 embryos ready and waiting, mostly on the right side. Lefties are getting a pep talk.

Cheezburger seinfeld new york city metro subway

Everybody get ready!

bravery

Mother’s Day weekend was hard. I tried (and failed) to go to a baby shower — I drove for an hour only to leave after 45 minutes because it was just too hard to be around other people’s kids.

Starting stims this past Sunday, I’ve actually felt, emotionally, one million times more like myself. I’ve been social, I’ve been travelling for work, and I’ve been more active, though I’m trying to be gentle on myself.

I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between “bravery” and “fearlessness.” I will never be fearless. I have a lot of thoughts and a lot of anxiety, which makes IVF either the exact right thing for me (so many things to try to control!) or the exact worst thing (so many things to try to control!).

Being brave is being afraid, naming that fear, and moving forward anyway because it aligns with your values and goals.

I never had a fear of needles, but if you told me a few weeks back that I’d be giving myself my 25th shot in the belly this morning, I think I may have gotten into my car and driven into the ocean. I am truly trying to take it one day at a time. And today, I go in for my ultrasound to see how many follicles are growing, whether they are growing at the same rate, and a better idea of when retrieval will be.

There are countless things that could go wrong, at this stage and at any stage.

But as my mom told me when I had a promising ultrasound during my last pregnancy (at about 6 weeks- no heartbeat yet, but everything measuring on track):

I have every reason to be hopeful.

And even though that pregnancy didn’t work out, I would not have grieved less had I been less hopeful. I deserved that hope. We are entitled to hope, as human beings. It’s the belief that things have a least a chance to work out that gets me out of bed every morning.

I was thinking last night about how the swell in my abdomen could be cysts, or a twisted ovary, or that nothing is growing except my addiction to ice cream instead of booze. I told S (Mr. Crap? Mr Cracker? Bahahaha) he needs to be there for the ultrasound — in my mind, because I can’t even process ahead of time how I will feel if it’s bad news. What if I only have a few follicles? What if we have to cancel?

But to me, right now, bravery is moving forward in spite of the fear and pain. It is brave to be hopeful, to be optimistic, in the face of so many heartbreaks.

I have every reason to be hopeful.

And please, please, please, let there be good news.

soundtrack of my mornings

It wasn’t enough to just use the LMFAO “Shots” song every morning, I had to go and make a whole playlist so that I get a little variety in my life. Suggestions welcome.

Also, I’m super thankful to have found https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/ where people are very normal and no one is using annoying acronyms. I will never use the other fertility/pregnancy forums again!