wtf

Well, this cycle was a heaping dumpster fire. I’m so mad I already used the gif!

19 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, 5 fertilized, all of those made it to day 3… but we only have ONE frozen (untested) day 5 embryo. Yup folks, that’s right, after all of this, we don’t even have a second fucking embryo. I do better on my own, frankly. At least then I get pregnant! And I don’t have to listen to the shots song as often.

We planned to take a break for a few months and that’s doctor’s orders anyway. He basically said next time I would stim longer and more to get even more eggs, and we’ll order a sperm DNA test to see if there’s something going on besides the BT. The low fertilization (even while using ICSI) and drop off between 3 and 5 days leads him to think it’s mostly male factor. But of course he reminded me several times that of course it could be egg quality and apparently I have borderline FSH so, tick tock, I guess? Fuck.

I feel like there’s no reason to be hopeful anymore. What reason do we have to expect different results next time? What if I o get pregnant again and it’s just another loss? I can’t lose my mind, it’s already gone. I’m just feeling so hopeless.

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7 thoughts on “wtf

  1. i’m so sorry to hear that. If it helps at all I had a bad first IVF and worse second one and then on my third (when I had given up hope) things went better. They used luveris to help with my egg maturity.

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  2. I’m so sorry that your cycle turned out this way. It seems like for people with translocations, there are no magic bullets. No matter which way you go, there are challenges and losses and uncertainty. I think the hardest part for me is the questioning and the doubting. Did we make the right choice? Should we do something else?

    I hope that you are able to find some peace as you move forward.

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    • thanks, me too. I think it’s hard because it always feels like I must have done something wrong, even though this all happens at the DNA level, it must have been something I ate or did, right? What a mindfuck.

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      • I can’t imagine what it’s like for you, either, because the translocation is on your partner’s side, right? My experience is totally different from yours, I think, because the chromosomal issue is mine. I sit around and blame myself and feel guilty for everything and think, “If I weren’t so selfish, we could have just used donor eggs and then I wouldn’t be so miserable” or “My husband could have children so easily if he were married to another woman.” I can’t imagine what it is like to be the “normal” one.

        I wish there were an answer to this, like if I just do X, invest X amount of money or X amount of time, it will work and all the stress and sacrifice will pay off. But it doesn’t work that way. Every freaking step is a total mindfuck of statistics and side effects risks and uncertainty. The mental gymnastics are exhausting.

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  3. Sorry things didn’t work out as well as you hoped. Will they wait a couple months to do the transfer as well, before you try another cycle?

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    • No transfer — we didn’t test the single embryo. If we do IVF again we’ll do another freeze-all and hope for more than one.

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