check it to wreck it

Let’s begin. It’s been awhile since I’ve thought about peeing on a stick. I haven’t done it since early January. First I was pregnant. Then I was too scared to get pregnant naturally. Then IVF failure. So this month, we’re trying again. I have so many fears about it, but I am not letting it rule my life. Or so I say.

Except this morning where I ordered pregnancy tests from Amazon and spent time on all those graphs I’ve studied so closely about when to test.

The tests come Wednesday (9 DPO). I’m going to try to hold out for Friday (11 DPO) but won’t go further than that as we are going on vacation and I will want to have (limited?) cocktails with friends if it’s negative. I’m actually feeling kind of gross today but that may be from lack of sleep, too much sun and fun over the weekend, and general anxiety about how to fit in all my work this week when all I want to do is read reddit and pee on sticks.

Not a great time to be distracted now that I’ve finally gotten myself back on course.

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Welp. My period started this week. And no tests, nothing to look forward to, except perhaps to look back and to try to have sex on the right days and not think about it too much.

shrug i dont know reactions unsure shrugging

I also started anti-depressants. So far I’ve been feeling better (less teary, less hopeless) but more headachy. I’ve switched to taking all my pills at night and hope that will help. The only thing rage-y about the whole experience was that the psych kept trying to convince me to spend $6K to test our one embryo because it *might* be normal. I really needed him to write me a Rx so I had to hold myself back from punching him in the throat. #adulting

Star Wars harrison ford shrug han solo who cares

Without the rigid structure of IVF, it seems we’ve got mountains of time between now and pregnancy, between now and a baby. We had a  phone call with our doctor after the final results were in (one sad little embryo out of 19 eggs) and we’re going to do some more tests (Sperm DNA, repeat my day 3 tests next month) but basically he said next time — end of summer — he’d do more stimulation for longer. Okay. I’m not sure we can expect drastically different results from that. Is it really worth it? What do we do if it doesn’t work again?

idk shrug elmo i dont know television

I’m trying to get myself used to the fact that 2016 might not be my year either. It’s June now, and we wouldn’t do another retrieval until August, so… September/October for transfer if we’re lucky? And if it doesn’t work, well… who knows how long it will take us to wrap our minds around that and figure out next steps. Donor sperm? Donor embryos? Adoption? More dogs? I’m just not sure.

harry potter idk shrug confused dumbledore