a not-so-brief hiatus

So, what has happened since June?

I had a great summer, where I learned to be a full human being again. I was open and vulnerable with the people I care about.  I became willing to try again, to go all out. I found out our new insurance didn’t cover IVF. We downshifted to IUI, only to have my doctor throw a fit when he found out we travelled to Mexico City, despite the CDC categorizing it as low zika risk. I got pregnant (barely) and lost it a few days later. It didn’t even phase me. I found a new RE, and made an appointment.

And then on November 6, after an evening of margaritas and old fashioneds and burlesque, I took a test at 11 DPO. Pregnant. The next day we had our consultation with our new, very surprised RE, who we let talk us through a course of treatment before mentioning that I was a “little bit” pregnant. She took my blood and said she hoped that this was the one for us.

Two days later was the worst American election in history. I cried that I may be bringing a child into this world. I still hoped that this child would come.

The new RE was a dream, despite never seeing her for treatment. She did three betas. We saw her for an ultrasound at 5w6d, and to everyone’s surprise, we saw a heartbeat. I laughed hysterically at the image. Who was I to finally have a life inside of me, growing?

13 weeks later I sit here in maternity pants I bought off a Facebook buy/sell group (a giant bag for $70! What a steal). We have never gotten this far. She (MrCrackr is convinced it’s a girl) looks like a real, healthy, baby all of a sudden, with a chubby belly and big feet. I bought an at-home doppler and can hear the whooshing of her tiny heartbeat in my dreams.

Tomorrow I will go in for my CVS with a doctor who has done the procedure over 27,000 times. And then we will wait. We’re hopeful that this baby has balanced genes — we’ve come so far! — but we know better than to ignore the possibility that we have a hard choice ahead of us.

My fifth pregnancy, and I may finally make it out of the first trimester. I may finally make it to motherhood.