soundtrack of my mornings

It wasn’t enough to just use the LMFAO “Shots” song every morning, I had to go and make a whole playlist so that I get a little variety in my life. Suggestions welcome.

Also, I’m super thankful to have found https://www.reddit.com/r/infertility/ where people are very normal and no one is using annoying acronyms. I will never use the other fertility/pregnancy forums again!

 

stabby abby

I was in a real place yesterday. My initial follicle count is so much lower than it was during day 3 testing last month — 16 v 23. I understand it’s not exact and our doctor is really trying to get good numbers but I was really bummed out. That said, I’m feeling generally more positive after dragging myself to a baseball game last night and getting my butt out of bed this morning for a bit of yoga and meditation. I’m taking my SHOTS around 8a every morning, which will force me to take it easy — no early mornings at the office, plenty of time to sleep in if I need it.

Can I just say, I’m kind of amazing at giving myself these Lupron shots? Sure, they are probably the easiest ones, but I’m almost — enjoying — it. It’s the same disgusting satisfaction of popping a pimple. Watch out world! I’ve got needles and I’m not afraid to use them!

the simpsons homer simpson marge simpson maggie simpson stabby stabby

In other news, we are going to look at DOGS this weekend and I couldn’t be more excited. I would say a top five reason for buying our own place was to get a dog. I’m sure it’s not an ideal time to adopt a dog, but I think it also might be nice for me to take care of something else instead of myself. Sometimes I get in this spiral where I’m being an asshole, and then I’m mad at myself for being an asshole, which makes me more of an asshole, and so on and so on. Hard to be an asshole with a dog around!

animals dog hug hugging

Hugs to all y’all.

the box of needles is prepped

Spoke to the genetic counselor this morning. She basically said 50% of all embryos for someone 30-34 are abnormal (outside of the translocation) + we should assume another 20-30% will have issues related to the translocation. So basically only 20-30% of our embryos will be normal. No pressure, am I right?! We’re also going to have the lab mask the gender so that no one at the office even knows, but they can always give us the info later (in case we have extra good ones and want one of each, etc).
She also mentioned that the genetic breaks are big enough that they should have been detected if my doctor did a test after my D&C — so now I suspect that the last miscarriage was just an unrelated issue which checks out considering how early I lost the others. My ob/gyn did a test after the D&C and said there weren’t trisomies or anything but didn’t know if it would catch the translocation… she wasn’t terribly informed on it, but as you said, most have one question on their boards for it, so we know we’re an edge case. I’m trying to not get toooo worked up about the last one being kind of random — maybe we should have tried naturally longer — but fuck it, we’ve already paid $8K, we’re moving forward.
That’s the uterus update! Tomorrow, I learn to stab myself in the stomach! This weekend, I got my giant box of needles (and some medications), which was not at all terrifying. BOX OF NEEDLES.
Cheezburger animation cartoons & comics tattoo yikes

credit card points queen

Nothing like putting $8000 on your credit card in one day!  I’m thankful thankful thankful that we are not incurring real debt for any of this — we’ll pay off the card right away — and that insurance is covering some of it. We even think we’ll get some of the $6000 CGH fee back, as Anthem says they cover PGD for people with balanced translocations. We’re not holding our breath but it sure would be nice.

The IVF office is like

Update to come with my treatment calendar and Rx costs. I have my “injections lesson” on Monday and I can’t stop thinking about

Shots shots shots shots shots shots shots shots

Everybody!!!

Surely this will be my pump up jam for stabbing myself in the stomach for several weeks.

Happy Friday Y’all!

timing is most things

Sorry for the drought! My period did in fact start last week (along with closing day, and moving day, and three house guests in four days). It was, as one friend wished me, a “gusher.” So thanks for that, friend. I was at a middle school and having sincere middle school flashbacks after forgetting to pack tampons.

blood gone girl movies ben affleck rosamund pike

(Yikes)

I got my schedule today and it looks like egg retrieval will happen sometime in mid-May! Not *exactly* what I wanted but it’s a month away now (!!!) which is whoa!

Can anyone give me any idea when to expect the transfer after that? Four weeks? More? Less? Of course I have a conference (and well-earned vacation with the most adorable nieces in the world!) planned for right before 4th of July. I’m not missing it (unless this whole Zika thing gets even worse than predicted) , which may mean that we push to July for the transfer. I mean, honestly, if we have good embryos, I will push the transfer to whenever. Well, of course I say that now, but after vacation with my family I’ll probably offer to transfer them myself if needed…

tv shot seinfeild

This is pretty much how my conversations have gone thus far with people in the IVF office re: balanced translocations. Give me all the drugs please, let’s get those numbers up. I think my doctor understands, I just get the privilege of double checking his work. Lovely.

Anyway, exciting stuff with the new calendar! And now that we are getting all settled in the new place, I can start planning any particularly toxic home renovations. On one hand, before I start on hormones, because safer; on the other, after I start hormones because then my husband will do it…

confused decision larry david conflicted

We’ll see how far I can take this.

waiting and fears

Sadly, we didn’t get our keys today and won’t until Monday. This means no floor slumber party in the new place, no pizza on the floor, no sweeping up the dirty, dirty floor. Wah.

So next week might be a big week! Keys to the condo, start of my cycle, moving!, and some big projects at work. Looking forward to keeping busy! On top of that, a friend is visiting on our first night in the new place, and my mother in law comes the next day! Our first three nights we are going to have visitors. Visitors who have their own bathroom! Hallelujah! Wow, that’s a lot of exclamation points!!

The Daily Show with Trevor Noah excited yay trevor noah woo

I wanted to share this article on Parenting Fears from A Practical Wedding. I love APW and still visit it almost 2 years after my wedding because people are so normal there. There’s a real lack of normalcy on the internet, so I’m always relieved to see it. Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this a lot. Of course, my current fear is that IVF won’t work, and honestly, I can’t see past that right now. It was all I could do not to roll my eyes and yell at my computer, “You haven’t even tried yet!” which is crazy. It doesn’t help anyone to worry about potential fertility problems. I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. I remember worrying, when we first pulled the goalie, that it would happen right away and that I wouldn’t get to finish a big project at work. Ha. Everyone has their worries.

For a little bit of happy on this Friday evening, I give you Enrique Iglesias, who has aged in reverse. I made a “hot latin beats” playlist on Pandora and it’s been powering me through all this packing.

Another friend is going to find out Monday if her transfer worked… my fingers are crossed harder for her than for anything in the world.  Sending love to all of you out there waiting for implantation. x

it’s on

I finally heard from my doctor today, who says the PGD lab gave the thumbs up, and so we are ON as soon as my period starts.

WHAT?!

The Comeback HBO tv dance dancing hbo

I am so excited I can hardly concentrate. I texted my best girlfriends, my sister-in-law, and my mom immediately (oh, and my husband) that “I haven’t been so excited (and terrified) to get my period since I was waiting impatiently for it to come in junior high.”

I know it’s still a long road (but like, an in-town trip that seems longer than it should be; we’re not walking the Great Wall or anything) but I’m jazzed to get started.  The timing is hilarious to me — we’re moving into our condo (box checked!) the same week as we’re starting this process (checking boxes! heh).

I have been reading a lot of Brene Brown lately and her work on hope and joy is so inspiring to me. I even made my husband read several passages on how to feel joy and how feeling joy is being vulnerable. That going down the path of the worst thing that can happen neither allows you to feel joy nor prepares you for a tragedy.

I find that vulnerability of feeling joy so acutely in this process. But today, I am joyful, because we are being given the amazing opportunity to grow our family. My heart is full.

faking it

I went to a friend’s birthday last night, at a place where you paint your own version of a famous painting — we did cafe terrace at night by van gogh.

Van Gogh - Terrasse des Cafés an der Place du Forum in Arles am Abend1.jpeg

(not at all what mine looks like) (and now we have two because my husband came as well)

I had prepared myself before we showed up. She’s one year older, has been married awhile, and… I was right. She’s five months pregnant. As soon as she turned away my husband looked at me and I whispered, “I’m good, it’s all good. I’m totally good.”

What I am actually most excited about is the same thing that I’m dreading the most — so far I’ve managed to only have one pregnant friend in LA, and she struggled with infertility as well so I was over the moon when she got pregnant. When I was pregnant (sigh), I was worried about my lack of girlfriends with babies — I have a lot of single lady friends. Of course, now, C is due in August, and from the looks of last night, she’s got plenty of pregnant friends. I’d have a whole built-in network! If only I could, you know, get pregnant (and stay pregnant! important!). I think the last thing pregnant women want to hear about is multiple miscarriages.

I hope I’m pregnant before she has her baby in August. I am trying not to think about the fact that we would have been on maternity leave for much of the same time — I would have been just six or seven weeks behind her. Once I get to motherhood, it would be nice to have some fellow travelers. I just have to get there.

daily indignities

A friend used the phrase “daily indignities” to describe our former place of employment, but it feels so apt to describe this process right now.

I have been trying to get life insurance since November. First, it was on hold for months (months!) while I completed every follow-up that had ever been suggested — I made the mistake of asking for a dermatologist and a therapist recommendation, and thus had to go to several appointments before I could be considered “clean.” Now, of course, I got the paperwork and they have asked whether anything has changed. I opened it up last night and just put my head down and cried. Do I really need to put myself through this?

I’m telling myself the adult way of doing it is just to suck it up, write “pregnancy/miscarriage” and they can get all the details from my doctor. A much more immature part of me (and my husband) just wants to say FUCK OFF YOU CAN’T HAVE MY MONEY for putting me through four months of uncertainty and scrutiny when I am about as healthy as it gets (oh, and my premium is as expensive as my husband’s for only 2/3 the coverage. wtf). But I submitted the form this morning. We’ll see if I have to suffer more indignity in this particular process.

I also had to pay my bill for my D&C. People. We have good insurance. Like, really good, may pay for part of IVF insurance.

My D&C cost $1000. After insurance.

Lucy knows what’s up.

Now, I wrote a check, and aside from some insult to injury that I had a third miscarriage who didn’t even do me the favor of getting out of town, it was fine. But then I got all fired up  thinking about what they are doing in Tennessee, Texas, etc etc to reduce women’s access to abortions. This video from John Oliver explains some of the restrictions that just don’t make any sense.   If I didn’t live in sunny California, I may have not had cytotec as an option! And I would have had to be lectured about the dangers of abortion. And perhaps, considering what we know about genetics, it might not have been allowed at all because I would be aborting due to potential disability.

What the ever-loving fuck.

I not sure I ever understood so viscerally that I need the choice of whether or not to continue a pregnancy.